Not OK

I’m not doing OK right now.

Why is that so hard to admit?

It’s nothing big, it’s just a hundred small things and they all happened at the same time and it feels like I can’t win right now. It feels like if 12 hours could go by without something getting a wrench stuck in it, that would count as a victory right now. It feels like I’m losing Tetris: there’s just not enough time to figure out what to do and the wrong piece is on deck.

I had a panic attack this morning. I haven’t had one of those in years.

But you can’t just say, “I’m not doing OK.” On Twitter it’s an emotweet. On Facebook it’s the sort of thing that gets posted to reddit as being ridiculous. It’s First World Problems. It’s whining. Everyone else has problems, too. Men don’t whine about it, they just get it done.

I don’t need advice, and I don’t even necessarily need help. I think if I had an emotional reset button I could start over and handle everything.

I really just want a hug and someone to listen and tell me it will be OK.

There aren’t a lot of places you can say “I’m not doing OK.” But this is my blog, and I can say whatever I damn well please.